Not Sentimental

"Not sentimental." At least that's what I what I always thought of myself. I'm practical, optimistic and thoughtful, but not sentimental. Well, this Christmas has proven me wrong. It took me quite awhile to decorate this year. Even thought of not putting up a Christmas tree. Not that I'm being the Grinch, just didn't want to put unnecessary stress on myself and take away from the meaning of the season. We didn't take family photos, mostly because I tend to drive the family crazy with my ideas of perfection; which is never going to happen. I haven't sent out cards and don't feel bad except for those that may feel like they're off my list and wonder why. The lights on the exterior were completed in an hour and show it. But, they're up and light every night. I tell myself, "Next year I'll do better."

     Yet, I keep looking through old photos, I still bake traditional Holiday treats, especially the Dutch ones, I still  place old ornaments of the past on the tree. Oh yes, we have a tree! I have placed out old photos of my mom with the kids from past years, as reminders of how silly and fun she was with us.

Eleanor (mother-in-law), Daniele, Kyle and My mom who would hate this picture of herself.
She was always a size 2-4 and this is not how she'd like to be remembered. 

      As I went shopping these past weeks I missed my mom dearly. It may seem like a strange time to miss my mom, but we shopped together quite a bit. She couldn't do many activities, but she loved to get lunch and mull around the mall for a couple of hours. I tear up at the site of something I know she'd like. She had a taste for Liz Claiborne, she loved tailored jackets; something with a little peplum in the back. She use to tell me, "Dad always liked me to look good from behind". ha, ha.... that's so precious to me.  She loved red coats and patent purses.
 
    I love to the hear, "Merry Christmas", but I can't say this is my favorite time of year like some people do. There a many people that do not have their special loved in their lives and in their homes to share this special time with. I continue to mourn my mother, but I quickly think of those that miss their loved ones that were taken too soon, too young, or sadly too violently, and left them with only memories and an empty spot at the table or in their bed. I'm also sad for those without faith or hope to get them through this process. I'm so fortunate to have only good memories of my mother, she was very special to me and I do miss her. I'm blessed to have a husband and kids that loved my mother as much as I did.
 Merry Christmas to all.

A Spray of Lilies

     I woke up far too early this morning and noticed a different scent in the air, as I walk into the living room I see the beautiful flowers that we took home from mom's service yesterday sitting atop my piano. As I look at the flowers, which are mostly lilies, appropriately so, I glance around that side of the room and see my mom's clock and my mother's old sewing machine in the corner. I never intentionally placed the items together, and have always thought such collections to be odd. But, there they were, staring at me this morning. I lay on the couch and teared up once again. Looking over at the piano, the memories of playing through the songs of the Psalter Hymnal while mom would sit in her chair and hum or sing along. She never made me uncomfortable and didn't want me to stop, for I was not a perfectionist on the keys, she just loved the melodies.


    The pattern of my days will now change for I do not have my mother to visit or concern myself with. Mom was always so easy to be around. She was always there.... wherever 'there' was. Ever since I left home, I talked to her every day. Mom would come to see me or I would see her, we spent alot of time together. It was never an obligation that I felt.... I liked being with mom. My children spent many days with my mom and loved her as I did. Visiting 'Beppe' (Grandma in Dutch) in the home that I grew up in, later at her assisted living home, which was always difficult for me to leave, but we tried to make the best of it for her.

At some point I know the hurt of losing my mother will fade and affect my days less and less, but for now the pain is on the surface. 
  
  I'm thankful for the strength she showed us as a family. I'm thankful I understood mom and appreciated her input in my life. I'm saddened to look forward and think she'll not be here to see my children get married and have children, but those thoughts are selfish and do not have a place in my heart. For she is with her heavenly father, and I'd like to think she's with my father and her parents, as well. I know, most importantly, she's not having to cover up any more discomfort and is smiling, singing praises and happy. 

Remembering Mom

             Lillian Bakker, of Visalia, Ca. passed away at the age of 83 on Sunday November 11, 2012 with her children by her side. Lillian was born Liskje Bajema to Dave & Rena Bajema in Friesland, Netherlands on May 30, 1929.  Lillian was the 3rd of 7 children, 1 brother, Klaas Bajema, (deceased) and 5 sisters, Jane Mast, Alice Van Esch, Trudy Kooiman, Julie Smith, Beatrice Bajema (deceased) and Rhea Davis.

             Lillian immigrated to America when she 7 years old with her family, and settled in Artesia, California. Lillian’s parents lived the American dream and soon became dairy farmers where Lillian would later meet Allen Bakker. Allen, also emigrating from Friesland, settled with relatives in Artesia, where he was hired by her father. They fell in love, marrying Oct. 27, 1948 when she was 19 and he was 24. They had 5 children, also started a dairy farm and moved the family to Visalia, Ca. in 1970 where they both remained until Allen’s passing in 1986.

          Allen and Lillian had a comfortable life, attending the local Christian Reformed Church, dinners out every Friday night, and short trips to Lake Tahoe, coast or Washington to see relatives. Lillian had the pleasure of being surrounded by family all her life. She lived on the family dairy farm until 2006, where her son’s and their families lived on the same road. Jim, David & Charlie would frequently visit mom for morning coffee and Rena & Annetta and the daughters in laws and grandchildren came for afternoon tea and swimming. Her home was an active place with many family gatherings for holidays and birthdays.

               Lillian developed Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) at 33 and has been gracefully handling the many symptoms from this crippling disease with multiple implants, surgeries, and any treatments available. Seven years ago, her RA created her serious problems in her neck and spine and after two surgeries left her with limited mobility. This progressed into her inability to be independent. With a couple years of in-home care, often with family members taking day and night shifts along with her caregivers. In June, 2006 she was moved to her new home at the Christian Assisted Living Facility, Magnolia Park, (formerly Chase Tree Park). As her family, we are very grateful for the love and care they gave to our mother and elderly loved ones. They treated her and our family with the dignity and respect that they deserved.

 Eulogy        

  From her children:

Mom will be remembered for her quiet demeanor, her pleasant smile, her humorous antidotes and her ability to face her trials with optimism and hope.  She had a noticeable strength to cope with life’s disappointments that, to some, seemed insensitive at times, but it was just her way. Mom didn’t demand a lot from her family, but we all wanted to give her so much. Mom was the matriarch of our family, often the reason for gathering. She didn’t care much for attention, but rather enjoyed the quieter moments within the group, and if you were lucky to sit by her could catch her little remarks, sometimes inappropriate, that would make you laugh, this was all the encouragement mom needed to keep the groove going. 

    Mom was the definition of “love” without being readily open with the words. She showed us her love through careful listening, through gentle warnings when we were young, through a soft touch of the hand and simply telling us, “You’ll be alright.” These same words were said to us children even in her last days, “I’ll be alright.”  Without speaking of her awaiting heaven, we don’t know if that’s what she meant or was it just her way of still comforting her children.      We told her how much we loved her and how great a mom she’s been to us, and her response was that simple shrug of her shoulders and a smile. She didn’t take compliments easily, but we know she loved us and she was confident in knowing that she took care of us and filled her role as wife, mother, and grandmother well. 

    Mom had a quick sense of humor and often came up with the words that we were struggling to get out. Her little bit of sarcasm was understood by us all, and we couldn’t wait to hear those ‘one-liners’ that should’ve been written down to enjoy later. Even with her restrictions, she was always ready to get out and enjoy life. We knew, from dad, that mom required a sturdy car with good passing power, because when her body ‘thawed’ out for the day and the fog lifted on Road 60,  she was ready to go:  Sunday morning church, Wednesday bible study, a lunch out with her kids, shopping with the girls, or an overnight stay to feel the coastal breeze was all that mom required to fill her void.

 We know  there will be many times that something will be said or done by one of us that will remind of us ‘Mom’, for she will live on through us. But, for now, we have comfort in the memories that she’s left behind; knowing that she found peace with her new body and we will one day see her again.

  Lillian is survived by her 5 children; daughter, Rena and husband, Jim Smith of Tulare, 3 sons; Jim Bakker of Visalia, David and wife, Arlene Bakker, of Visalia, Charlie and wife, Julie Bakker, of Visalia, daughter, Annetta and husband, Danny Stacy, of Hanford. Lillian was “Beppe” to  16 Grandchildren; Jeff Sullivan, Sean Sullivan, Carolyn Griffioen, Robyn Olson, Julie Armendariz, Jennifer Brower, Shelley Colburn, (deceased) Tami Garland, Erin Veitia, Joseph Bakker, Jolene Bakker, Andrea Lanting, Nathan Bakker, Kevin Bakker, Kristen Bonds, Lily Bakker, Grace Bakker, Kyle Stacy & Danielle Stacy. Lillian was Great-Beppe to 33 great-grandchildren.

  Lillian was preceded in death by; her parents, Dave & Rena Bajema, her devoted & loving husband, Allen Bakker, her daughter in laws, Anna Marie (Van Dyk) Bakker, and Linda (Kievet) Bakker, and her eldest granddaughter, Shelley (Bakker) Colburn.

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     Services will be held Friday, November 16, 2012 at 11:00 am, at the Visalia First Christian Reformed Church, 1030 S Linwood, Visalia, Ca. following the private burial.

    Family and friends may visit for a final viewing Thursday Nov. 15, 2012 from 4:00- 7:00 pm at the Salser & Dillard Funeral Home, 127 E Caldwell, Visalia, Ca.  If you chose in lieu of flowers the family has requested that donations be sent to Central Valley Christian School, 5600 W Tulare Ave, Visalia CA, 93277 .

Family Time With Mom

        So, it's been 5 days since mom's been placed on Hospice. That word "Hospice" means something very powerful to us. That frightening end-of-life word. But, it's not frightening, it's warm and comforting.

  Mom's caregiver told us on Tuesday, "treat everyday, as if it's the last time you'll see your mother." "What?!?! what does that mean?" Well, when the words register more in your mind, it's her way of telling us to make each day special. We should always treat each day with those that we care about as if it's our last day with them. We have no idea the plans that God has in store for us, but when we get this warning let's take it as a blessing. We get to spend time with our mom, tell her we love her, tell her she's been a great mom and that we will see her again.

       Mom has no shortage of visitors, yet she does not seem overwhelmed by the company.  She was placed on Morphine yesterday and we were told that gangrene is in her leg, and her heart has some peripheral congestion.... all seem worth treating in any other instance, but for her and this time in her life, we just pray and medicate for her comfort. She is fairly comfortable and she's able to talk a bit, not conversations but a response to activities around her. For instance, Kyle came to visit his Beppe after work, walked in with his dirty cowboy hat and was looking around for a proper place to set it. Mom, with her arthritic fingers, simply points to the hook on the door.... hmm, don't we feel silly.

CRC Directory photo, 1968    

       Rena told her, "Mom, I love you, and you've been a great mom to all of us." Mom's response was a quick shrug of her shoulders and a smile. As if to say, well, of course, you're my kids and I was your mom. Mom never took life too seriously, to some, she may have seemed cold and insensitive, could've been her strong Dutch heritage, or the fact that she immigrated as a child, survived the Great depression, or the loss of her husband when she was just 55. All 'this' is nothing in comparison. But, without the mushy words, we know and saw her love everyday of our lives.

David, Rena, Charlie, Mom, Annetta & Jim

       She finds her native tongue to be more comfortable at times, and she resorts back to her younger years as well. Why do we find those old Dutch sayings to be so funny? But it felt good to share the laughs together. We talked about our childhood. Rena said, she was the cool mom when she was young. She dressed 'hip' and had closets full of clothes. Charlie and David said they appreciated that mom would warn them when dad was coming into the house, so they could run out the back door. See, dad didn't believe in idle hands, and well, mom was a little softer.
      These and many other precious memories to treasure and to hold forever in our hearts.
 

   These have been difficult days for our family. Our mother, Lillian, was put under Hospice Care on Sunday evening. She has been staying at Magnolia Park in Visalia (formerly, Chase Tree Park) for just over 6 years, and recently developed Fibrosis of the lungs. She's been feeling well and enjoying time with family and friends, but this Sunday, Nov. 3rd, was a trying day. For multiple reasons her body has declined and is ailing quickly. 

As a Teenager on her Dad's dairy.

           My mother, born in the Netherlands in 1929, is 83 years old. She came to Ca. as a teenager, met & married my father, had 5 children and lived well in the land of cows and cotton. She developed Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) at 33 and has been handling the many symptoms for this crippling disease with multiple implants, surgeries, and any treatments available. 7 years ago, her RA created her serious problems in her neck and spine and after 2 surgeries left her with limited mobility. This progressed into her inability to be independent. She has been in the Christian Assisted Living Facility, Magnolia Park, since June of 2006. We are very grateful for the love and care they give to our mother and elderly loved ones. 

May, 30 2012 Mom's 83rd Birthday

                                                             

  Most of mom's family, which consist of 5 children, 15 grandchildren and 31 great-grand (last count) live within driving distance, so she's always had the love and attention of family around her.

   Mom's ability to endure her discomfort has brought her to more years on this earth then, I think, we had hoped for. She's done this with spunk and humor that we've all grown to admire.  But, I do believe, her petite frame and spirit are tired and ready for her heavenly body to take over. The promise of Heaven gives us peace and hope for a better life for her and all believers. We love you Mom, Blessings.